“When anybody asks, 'What are you writing about now?' if I try to reply, the book-in-the-works sounds so idiotic to me that I think, 'Why am I trying to write that puerile junk?' So now I give up; if I could talk about it, I wouldn't have to write it."
- Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet


Cat Gack Logic and Renaissance Weddings - Things I Just Don't Get

Monday, August 15, 2005

Cat Gack Logic
Is there anything logical about it at all? If I were a cat and was prone to gacking one or more times a day, I would choose someplace where it was easy for my human to clean up. You know, a hard surface like tile or vinyl, as opposed to carpet or furniture. Or better yet, the toilet. That's what the humans do, right? I guess I'm just thoughtful like that.

My cats don't think that way. Nope, if they feel the need to gack, they do it wherever they happen to be at the moment. Wait, I take that back. If they are someplace with a nice hard floor with easy cleaning capabilities, they will run for the nearest carpet. But if they are on the couch or the bed, do they run looking for someplace more appropriate? Nope.

And just what defines appropriate in their little walnut-sized brains? Is it simply that the surface should have lots of fibers so the product of their gacking can sink in deep, becoming impossible to clean completely? Woolite's Oxy Deep has become one of those household items that I can't do without. I start to panic if I realize that the bottle is getting low. But even with that, I'm still convinced that there is nasty stuff embedded deep in the fibers, just hiding there mocking me every time I step on it unknowingly. Ick.

Of course, then there's Yoyo and his twisted and bizarre gacking habits. But I won't go there. If my stomach is turning at this point, I'm sure the rest of you must be running for the toilet right now.

Or you could just use the carpet.

Renaissance Weddings
Ok, it's not the renaissance wedding itself that bothers me. If you want to dress up as though it was 500 years ago and provide your attendants with similarly appropriate garb, well that is your prerogative. All I ask is that you don't force your guests to dress that way as well. Some can't afford to purchase an outfit they would never wear again just for your wedding. (I actually happen to have a renaissance dress - I am married to a geek afterall - but it's the principle of the thing, and the arrogance of telling your guests how they should dress to your wedding that I don't get.)

This rant was inspired by a bit I heard on talk radio Friday afternoon. I was on a short road trip up to Natural Spaces (the dome company) to pick up our house plans and budget. The Lori and Julia show was the "Julia and Kathy" show that day since Lori had the day off. Kathy, the guest host, was telling all about her brother's renaissance wedding, to which she had been invited.

This was not simply any old renaissance wedding. As his sister, she had been presented with a program of the day's events including instructions on her part in the ceremonies. The whole thing was just bizarre, every element becoming more so than the next, and by the time she was done talking, there was absolutely nothing - NOTHING - that could have surprised me about that wedding. If the grand finale had been a pig-flying ceremony, that would have been the least strange part of this wedding.

A few highlights:

All guests were required to attend in authentic renaissance garb. (Kathy was planning to wear a unicorn costume, assuming that she could get it on the airplane.)

The day-long ceremony was to take place at the commune where her brother and his fiance live, along with his ex-wife and her new wife and the child her brother and his ex-wife had before "new wife" came along. ?????

The sibling sing-along. All siblings of the bride and groom were to sing a song together to the happy couple. The song was given on CD along with lyrics ahead of time so they could learn it. Well, that was thoughtful, don't you think?

At some point after the vows, the happy couple was to escape to the woods to consummate the marriage. The day isn't over yet. They'll be coming back to join their guests. Apparently they can't wait until the guests go home. Nope, it's right there in the schedule. "Couple goes to woods to consummate marriage." Kathy's main concern was (and I don't blame her) that she didn't remember seeing any woods at the commune last time she visited. Yikes.

To complete the festivities, there was to be a blessing ceremony. Guests were invited (not required this time) to give a blessing to the couple. No material gifts allowed. The givers were to be divided into such categories as poets, prophets/seers, and champions to name just a few. Poets would read an original poem of blessing. Prophets/seers would give their blessing in the form of a prophecy of their future together. You like that? Well, get this. Champions were to show a feat of strength, and were to be knighted by the "queen" (bride) as her champions. These champions could then be called upon someday in a moment of "need" by the queen when her king was away. I'll leave you to figure out what that means since I'm too embarassed to explain any further.

If this were my brother, I would have sent back the following R.S.V.P.

"Thanks so much for the invitation. I'm sure your wedding day will be a beautiful one and I wish you and your lovely bride much happiness in the future. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to be there, I'm attending the "Ceremony of the Flying Pigs" that day and simply can't make it."

*Photo courtesy of stock.xchng.


At 8/15/2005 11:22 AM, Blogger -xtessa- wrote:

oh, dear Lord! what an unusual (stress on that word) wedding... i mean, it's fun to have a theme, but to say that they'll be consummating in the middle of the event is really hilarious! man! some people and their ideas!

At 8/15/2005 8:48 PM, Blogger Blond Girl wrote:

I don't know which I enjoyed more... the cat gack or the wedding gack! I love the last line of the cat gack "or you can simply use the carpet"... great humor tool there!

Oh, and get this: Michele sent me! What a hoot!

At 8/15/2005 8:49 PM, Blogger Geekwif wrote:

That is a hoot! Glad you enjoyed the post.


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